beginnings + endings.

I’ve been caught in a whirlwind of emotions and dirty diapers for the past two weeks.

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On March 29, 2013 at 8:29 a.m., we welcomed Asher James into the world.

I was blessed with a safe and smooth labor + delivery. And Asher is adorable and sweet and very loved by mama, daddy, and big brother.

Asher [name meaning]:Fortunate. Blessed. Happy.

We’ve been learning what it means to be a family of four. We’re riding the choppy waves and resting in the calm waters. In this season of transition, I’m sleep-deprived and easily discouraged, but equally energized and overwhelmed with gratitude. One minute, both of my children are crying — the next minute, they’re sleeping soundly. I’ve felt my heart swell with love from friends and family, and felt loneliness that comes with motherhood, too.

I’m learning that joy isn’t defined by just happiness — joy lives in the tension of both and.

I’m celebrating a new beginning. I marvel at the life God has created in Asher and I feel incredibly humbled (and a little proud) to be a part of his life. How fitting that he made his arrival at the beginning of spring — the season of renewal, of new life springing forth. A time where we remember where we’re from and marvel at where we’re going. A time to reflect on God’s promise that he will make all things new.

At the same time, I find myself grieving a little. The night Jonny and I left for the hospital, I hugged Joseph, all warm and snuggly in his fleecy footie PJs. His chubby 2.5-year-old hand rubbed my back, his other hand playing with my hair. I know the baby hormones were making me extra emotional, but it was tough to break the embrace, knowing that his world — our world — was about to change forever. It was one of those melancholy moments — so sweet, yet somehow sad, too.

I’ve had the profound privilege of becoming a mother to a life I did not help bring into the world, and now I’ve had the equally amazing opportunity to experience pregnancy and birth. Some have questioned if my love for my two sons would be different — I can answer that with one hundred percent certainty — no. Joseph entered our family very much wanted and fully loved — and Asher did, too. Our desire for Joseph’s adoption was planted in our hearts just as our desire to conceive was later on. The moment we adopted Joseph he became our own, just like the beautiful moment I saw Asher take his first breath. Joseph doesn’t have same features as Asher — and that is just one of the many reasons he is special. We celebrate with his story and cry with his story. Joseph is a very beloved son, just as Asher now is.

brothers

I’m excited, and a little terrified, to take the next step in this journey as a parent of two boys. I pray they will become brothers with an unbreakable bond that will last long after I’m old and grey.

But for now, I will tread in the beautiful tension of beginnings and endings.

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6 thoughts on “beginnings + endings.

  1. That is beautiful Kayla! You made me cry. You are a wonderful momma to 2 very special boys. We are blessed to have them in our family and I can’t wait to meet Asher and love Joseph up too!

  2. I was blessed by your writings; you will also be blessed as you read these thoughts and feelings in the future.

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