Blogging is weird. A keyboard at your fingertips, an outlet to share a glimpse of your life to anyone who clicks a link.
I’m at a crossroads on my blog. I’ve committed to posting consistently, and lately I’ve been wondering if these words really do have meaning. Am I spending my time wisely? Is anyone connecting with what I’m saying?
I wrestle with these tensions. Jonny encouraged me to show you guys a glimpse into who I really am. To share my real opinions and real stories and real views on the world. Yeah, but I want my blog to be encouraging, I replied.
I really desire to get minds moving and hearts churning, and ultimately point to Jesus on this little corner of the Internet.
And I want to be transparent.
But here’s the thing: If you really knew me, would you still like me?
Somewhere in my twenties, I’ve lost my footing. I used to be an incredibly confident (probably over confident) person. As I have gotten more weaved into church culture and Jonny has entered the ministry, that confidence has dissipated. Part of that is good — the Holy Spirit is working on my heart to be humble, to be gentle, to have peace and patience and self control.
But part of that is not so good. Part of that is fear of embracing who God has uniquely created me to be, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it will shatter other’s expectations. I’m worried that if the Church (at large) doesn’t take a stance of respecting women, why in the world would they respect little old me? I’m afraid that if I use my voice, even if it’s the voice that the Creator of all things has given me, I’ll be too outspoken. Too opinionated. Too different.
When you’re married to someone in ministry, your life already becomes a fishbowl. To commit to voluntarily being more vulernable, on the internet? That’s a scary thought. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but folks aren’t always so nice on the internet. What about if something I say doesn’t go over well?
But despite the fears, it’s something I keep coming back to. Writing is in my bones. I’m paying a lot of student loans right now because I believe so deeply in the power of words — the power of story. If we don’t stand for truth, if we don’t live lives passionately pursing the one who is pursuing us, what’s it for? Is comfort really worth complacency?
I’m committed to loving and serving a God that is bigger than my fears. But I’m afraid.
If you knew me, would you still like me?