Sometimes, I like to dust off my resume. When I’m in the trenches of dirty diapers and toddler tantrums, doing my best mommy warrior call, I drift off into the life I used to know. The life of deadlines and brainstorming sessions and heels as high as I wanted.
And then my 18-month-old wakes me up from my reminiscing with a MOMMY! and a very literal poke in the eye.
I love my kids dearly, and I blame my own saint of a mother for making this whole stay-home-with-your-kids thing seem so easy. Because sometimes I feel way more equipped to edit an article than I do to come up with ways to entertain my little people. Pinterest mommies, God bless you, but I’m not turning my egg carton into a color-coded educational toy.
For this past week, I’ve been diving into what it looks like to get our hearts ready to live freely. For the next seven days, I’m going to dip my toes in the waters of living free at home.
For me, home is the best and sometimes the worst. Sometimes I feel on-top-of-the-world and other times I’m hiding in the bathroom scrolling Instagram for one minute of peace.
I made the very intentional decision to stay at home with my kids while they’re young. I smile more in a day then I used to in years. My two boys are gifts of grace and I’m humbled to my knees every day that I get the privilege of being their mama. (You can catch a glimpse into my heart on motherhood here or here or here.)
However, being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t always come easily to me. And I think that’s okay. Actually, I think it’s more than okay.
If I really believe God is who he says He is, if I really believe He’s created me and that He’s created me for a purpose, then I don’t have to feel bad about how he’s wired me. He’s given us all certain gifts and talents and passions, and at some point I have to stop feeling bad about my perceived deficiencies and just start doin’ the damn thang.
Because God is equipping me every stinkin’ day to pour into these sweet little dudes. His mercies really are new each morning. On my own, I’m in New York chasing my magazine dream job. I’m in it for me. (Hey, mamas who are working your editor prowess, that’s awesome. I’m not judging.) I just know that if I chased after that, my heart wouldn’t be at the right place.
Because when I’m me without Jesus, I’m hustlin’ for Kayla. For the bigger byline. For the notoriety. Look at me! Look at me!
But with God? With Him, I don’t have to chase after identity. Nothing I do or don’t do makes me more worthy. With Him, my impatience is replace with peace, my rash decision making is replaced with self-control and kindness. I can still (and SHOULD still!) use my talents and gifted areas, but instead of using those to place myself on a higher throne, I’m honoring the one who already sits at the top.
All of these rambles to say that when I think about living free at home, I think about how sometimes I don’t feel so free. I think that I get so much in my own head that I lose sight of the privilege and honor to spend my days right now speaking life into two big-eyed, big-hearted little boys.
I think this week is going to be good, you guys. I promise to always be authentic and to mostly not over share, you just have to promise to walk this with me.
Let’s do this.
This is the first of 31 daily posts of living free. Living freely is something we do momentarily, but to fully live free? That’s a transformation — a total change not only in what we’re like, but in who we are. You can find all the 31 Days of Living Free posts here.